They don’t teach you how to be yourself,
They just try to edit and modify…
A man who is very important to me …not a friend or a lover, some one more important, asked me …now are you still going to write about sad stuff? I laughed and just waved my hand. He heard me read a black comedy Arabic piece in front of about 20 to 30 people and it was the first time that I really felt his pride in me…more than when I played a dying alcoholic mother a few years back in a college play.
I miss writing in Arabic and I want to do that more than ever since he heard me read. I want to see that pride in his eyes over and over again. I have always felt that I made him ashamed of me, even though he had this weird way of showing his pride, twisted I might say like:
You look amazing, it's only a few kilos and you would be perfect…and apparently perfect is more important than amazing.
Your grades are amazing, I m sure you can get an excellent degree if you put your mind at it…same here, excellent is more important than amazing.
And it goes on and on and on….but when he used to lay there in bed and I take his spectacles for him to sleep deeply because he works very hard I m sure he appreciated it.
When he takes me in his arms while watching his favorite old movies I can feel the love, I have struggled for a long time to believe that he can change women but he can't change me, or how he cares even if he doesn’t know how to show it.
They say that Aquarians have a problem with expressing their emotions, I agree to that. I agree that he must love me… I know I love him…
He jokes about how he took her at 4:00 am to the hospital to get me out. It was -30 degrees. He jokes that I caused him trouble coming out; she on the other hand says it was miraculous, that makes me more attached to her but he must have been pleased…but happy is more important than pleased.
On a wedding day, he promised me he will make me a one like that or even greater, he doesn’t differentiate between us, but it's just that he wants everything better and better is more important than good…
I felt jealous from that girl, that woman, and that other people, but when I saw him waving kisses at me while reading and when I sat after reading, I felt very good about myself…I gave him my stories to read, but he didn’t; he is very busy.
He was proud, he must care.
I love him.