Friday, September 3, 2010

m nt an asexual creature

Round three years ago, i was almost dying...i had to have a surgery and i was 40 kilos unable to move or talk or even sleep without having my back straight up.
A couple of weeks after i finished my senior year at college i was of the worst experiences i have ever had is that i had to stay on solutions injected into my intravenous and because i used to have so many shots eventually they had to inject me in my central line in my neck...i stayed in the hospital for a couple of weeks and then i had my surgery and after that i stayed at home for another couple of weeks in bed again i didnt eat or move and i had to steal cigerattes and bottom line it was a nightmare ... but truth is that i was alive and thankful I WAS ALIVE.. nobody i know appreciates this simple fact until something major happens to them or someone they love.
Maybe thats not relevant to some to what i m about to talk about but it definitely is relevent to me...six months before that i had just broken up with my boy friend because i had a severe depression and he could nt handle it... six months later again i met another guy whom i told him to his face that he s more likely a sex addict so for a whole year i was lamenting guys. A year later i was overweight, gaining and gaining weight because i have an eating disorder...that made my love life a huge problem...
i wanted so much to fall in love, date, have a stable relationship, kiss and stuff and eventually get married..
yet i had troubles with my sexuality...but i m not an asexual creature.. i had troubles identifying my needs, i had troubles thinking why i needed a man in my life... was it pure pleasure, the need to belong to someone, or just because that s the course of nature.
I had troubles thinking about what a man should be like with me...or what i should be like with him... should i be agressive, should i be sentimentale, i m very careing by nature more of a motherly figure, so i had troubles especially after gaining so much weight to identify my role in a relationship... can i have desires, can i be sexy...can i be wanted.
In the last couple of weeks i have been out of Egypt...Kenya and Canada.
I have started to feel alive, I have started to feel as a female I have started to be a sexual creature...specially that i have a special friend, someone who treats me as a girl, someone who needs me and welcome my needs, someone alive, sexy in flesh and blood.
I have lived through a lot and much more and i am ALIVE...
again after three years when i faced my death i feel alive... i am a girl , a woman , a needy clinging bitch , doubting as he says, will not stop until i get what i want... i am a sexual creature.

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