"I am untold"
10 minutes in -performancefor stage A monologue
By Nawara Belal
The stage is set in a psychiatric clinic, at the middle of the stage there is a sign in bold "Shrink's Office". The set is all white with two leather big black armchairs, and a chaise lounge with a white long lamp shade. .
A male nurse who is young and a little blond with not so heavy sexy beard sits at left side of the stage , seeming all full of himself and acting all macho, flirting with someone outside the room. There is a no smoking sign above the desk of the nurse. At the other end of the stage (the right) there is the sign of "Doctor's Office" .
The hereon Nadine is in the middle of the stage and keeps moving from one armed chair to the other, fearing actually to sit on the chaise lounge, but finally stares at it and sits on it and with a move of her leg turn it into a corner and sheds on the light of the lamp shade and that is all the lighting that is there.
At first she keeps looking back and forth at the nurse who gives her a wink every time she looks at him and finally does the Italian fuck you sign to him then stares at the audience form the corner she is sitting in.
She settles in the chair trying to cross her legs and act all posh and elegant trying to settle the sleeves of her dress that seems that it's not hers. Her legs keep falling off and finally she gets the chaise lounge at the middle of the stage and we hear the nurse mumbling something to her and again she does the Italian fuck you sign to him so he just mumbles his way out off stage.
She gets the chaise lounge and lamp shade to the middle, sits each leg apart at one side of the chair and shakes her head.
She stairs with tears in her eyes at the audience for half a second.
Damn you me
Well…okay, what day is today…ohm SATURDAY, because yesterday was FRIDAY…?
Pauses and starts counting on her fingers and mumbles
Talks to the audience.
yeah SATURDAY the first… you must all now that yesterday was New Year's eve, what the hell are you all doing here, aren't you as fucked up like me with a horrible hangover
I wonder who else knows, I wonder if I totally know, I mean I haven't seen any blood, but I was sober, wasn't I, I mean nothing happened…
Looks at the audience with a sarcastic look
You know what I mean with nothing happened…yes don't act all fool at me, we all know that ALL EXCEPT means nothing. All except, very simple phrase to say…as if all that matters is the 2 centimeters down there that makes all the difference. That is all that identifies who I am, but wait, didn't the Chinese feel for us and designed one that costs round 75 pounds. Damn, I wasted my chance last night and saved 75 pounds.
Points at one end of the stage and say with her head down
…that man that ugly stupid man says all except means something, he said this before, what can I say, that I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty, but I don’t feel guilty, I don't feel I did anything wrong…is that weird, is it weird that I loved the sensation of it all?. The way he took off my blouse, they way he smiled at me and said everything is alright. The way he knows I did it before- the all except-, the way he kissed me while whispering in my ears that nothing between us will ever change, that he will keep walking after me when I get out of my session, makes me my coffee and gets me hash. That I can trust him, that I can keep turning back to him even after I get married. That he will devote himself to me. That this is not abuse, that this is love; that it is not true that we shouldn't be together. That he loved me like no man has ever loved before. I love the pain he inflicts upon me, the harshness of his palms on my body, the way he twists and flips me as if I don’t even exist, I lose my self to him, I lose me and become a doll he plays with and I m happy with that, I m happy because I m left with more and more scares that I m so much of a coward that I can't cause it myself, oh how much he loves me, how much I hate love, adore, fear him. How great he is that he knows I will get married and still want him, how much I despise everything about him…he is so damn good at making me reach the orgasm of the filth. We all know I wish I had him
Points at the place where the nurse was sitting
I wish I had him fully into me last night. We all know I still don’t love him but love the way he caresses me, how I feel warm like no pill, no dope, no drink, no thing had ever made me feel before
Turns to one side of the chair and puts her head between her legs and sings
I feel pretty, all so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay, I feel charming, all so charming, blah blah
Gets her head up and straightens herself with a leg crossed and gets a cigarette to smoke and looks at the no smoking sign and throws away and continues to the audience
You were all there, you are all always watching me, I can feel your breaths and hear you murmuring and laughing, you and you and God and the angels
Points to the doctor's office
so, you must know the shit hole I have been in and I' m supposed to go in there and say I hated it and I hated him and I want a drug to make me forget it all and act like a good girl, and cry for forgiveness…but no non no I felt happy, it was beautifully ugly and dirty and disgusting and charmingly filthy, I felt like I belonged there, that I was born to stay there forever, that the flies were like buzzing butterflies, and the ants were like those rats in Cinderella that turned into a fairy whatever heavenly creature; that the getting up the stairs for the 6th floor was a walk to heaven, that if he didn't call last night to confirm on today's session he would have never known what I was dying for, that this local brandy was greater than any whiskey and that his broken bed was the most comfortable I have ever laid on and YES it was charming.
What do you want from me? HA!! Don't treat me like a defendant it's not me who stinks of shit, I love the shit; and I m not a victim either.
Moves out of the chair and walks a silly walk, almost faints and puts her hand on the nurse's desk and he comes rushing in and gets her to the chaise lounge she looks at him with tears and pushes him away and he gets out off stage and she talks to the audience
You see he is not all so bad himself
She stands up about to fall and the nurse comes in for rescue when she waves at him to get out she acts all macho herself
Pointing at the doctor's office
Well here is the plan, I'm gonna go in there and say I did it, I did it and I'm happy, I'm gonna turn lesbian if I want, I'm free, I'm a NEUROTIC FREE NADINE. I gonna tell him that I don't need his medication, that I haven't taken them for 3 months now and I'm doing great. That his son is not even a man, YOUR SON IS GAY, he is a fag. You don't know how humiliated I feel around him; the hot shot to be famous shrink. He is kind I know, but he knows everything about me that I feel totally naked in front of him -except the all except- Why does he accept me, why does he want me, why doesn't he hurt me like every other man I have ever known. How come he says I deserve the best, doesn't he know how pathetic I am? Will he bear the nights when I cry myself to sleep from the pain coming from every pore of my
body? Will he bear the days I spend all long in bed staring at the ceiling wishing the clock would stop ticking? He is a fag …he sees me drawing and says he sees through my badness into a purity of a freakin soul….that beautiful guy saw me drawing a butterfly on a napkin ..He didn't see I was bored, he saw I was talented, he said I can be a painter…that "self realization" can get me through. What a nerd? He thinks that all the books he reads mean anything to me!!! I don't want what he offers, I want Me, everybody wants to change me and they don't know how addictive this pain is, how what he offers of a better life, painless life just doesn't work for me. I'll always have these scars on my wrist, and if the pain goes away and they stay where will that leave me? I just wonder if he wants me to taint him, but he is too good for me to do so, he is a man beyond fault. I know I will taint him, I m just too bad…he is too good.
Falls on the ground and holds her wrist and says
DON’T TRY TO FIX ME I'M NOT BROKEEN.
She is about to say something pointing her finger at the audience when a bell from the doctor's office rings, she behaves herself and moves towards the side of the stage and we see her at the side making a military hand shake and says as she walks out and we just hear her voice
Yes sir, all is fine,
No I didn’t drink last night sir,
Yes I came home early,
Yes I'm ready to get married,
Yes sir I love your son sir,
Yes I'm happy to marry him, yes he is the best man ever
No sir I'm not gonna be naughty
Yes sir I take my medication
Yes… yes… yes…