Gaylord focker

Gaylord Focker

I have been very much interested in people lately... their habits and cultures and ideas and interests and that I guess kinda made me interested more in myself and what I have inside and maybe more in what I represent... fear.. appealed to.. reject.. admire... want and more likely in what I have been for a long time considering as taboos and the kind of stereotyping I have been applying on myself, people around me and the general public.

HETROSEXUAL... okay then lets get to know each other and see where that will take us... boys and girls … I m not homophobic but lets say I am kinda (and yes I will use kinda a lot because this is part of the way I am living now...kinda)...well kinda fearful of what I don't understand or what might be abusive to me, and I m a kinda of person of fears abuse like a child who fears the boogy man. Lets not talk about why that might be extra personal at the moment.

Then HOMOSEXUAL... a big fat no no.. why because in our society as I was talking with a friend while being in Canada, that we all kinda suffer from personal, social or psychotic diseases all together, then guess a person who defies the whole social structure that we live in and so much either try to cope in it or criminalize it and in a lot of cases defy it but still within borders and mostly in closed society. Specially those like myself and some of the people around me who are the children of “the seventies glorified activists” what I like to call more the double standard people of what they did as youth and what they want their kids to be like and how much they would prefer that we mold in the larger society for means of their relief and marriage and work ...etc..etc.. still I have to say not all of them and not all of us.

Anyways lets get to the point of GAYS at least that s more relaxing for me to talk about than lesbians.. I m still not totally free of stereotyping , maybe later and maybe in another note. I don't recall I have met much of gays in my life, but at least I have met people who talk about their gay friends and the men who walk holding hands in the street... and the funny thing is when someone told me that some foreigners considers that Egypt has a lot of gays because men kiss a lot!!! go figure.

But the thing that got me into writing this is the two gays I saw in Canada french kissing in the street an d then each one going on his way. What happened to me when I saw that ...but first lets take that a little back when I was on my way there I saw for the first time the famous gay movie broke back mountain, and guess what I had genuine feelings for the gay couple and really felt that there was something wrong with me for sympathizing with them...what are you thinking noon , these are two men kissing each other and all the sexual intimacy. Anyways, french kissing!!! in the street...guess what, I didn't feel disgusted I felt weird, I felt I have gone crazy...

maybe its the country, maybe the weather, maybe the idea of free space and the idea that I can smoke in the streets and not get “abused”, maybe its me, maybe whats have been happening recently in my life has changed me, along of course with the opportunity of traveling and getting close to different cultures, maybe because recently I met someone who considers me a muse and I do the same, maybe its the fact that I know I m not totally stable and cant judge maybe that I started to love life and accept it, maybe I am evolving maybe a lot of things but I just wanna say that just recently I can say, people if u wanna be gay go ahead and I think I m kinda okay with that.

From Kenya with love

And I thought that the sky would look different from country to country... it didn't not at all, certain other things looked different nonetheless, my own skin color made a difference I m brown and I m proud but I don't belong here much because I m not black... I m different I m fair there... I m fat but not noticed as fat here... I have curly hair that is much appreciated here.. not back home... I m more feminine here... I braided my hair and I still look different... I am who I am I am where I wanna be but he is the same... they are all the same... for the love of God... marriage proposal!!! what happened when I told him I don' t know u ... he said why don't I send the night with you in your room and then you can get to know me...I took the vagina monologues from my friend to read on my way to here... I read it before I slept and it did some effect... the problem is when I read and met that guy today I felt so much violated... I felt that my whole entity which if you don't know is mind body and soul... I felt my body was violated... he didn't hear me talk so he couldn't like how I think... he didn't take a deeper look beyond my physical existence so he just saw a girl... might have felt vulnerable or needy or desperate... but I m not ... I am ... I am... I dunno ... but not like this... not without my consent... not to be violated... my vagina wouldn't be insulted.I remember ... memories of love... memories taking place... I remember a guy asking me why not and I said things... I remember gentleness and not this... not this... I will not be violated.. I will be loved and needed and appreciated.I will be nooning for that is who I am.