surviving

I once had a dream everything was beautiful. People were beautiful, I was beautiful and the whole world was a fairytale…
Hmm... Well I never actually had this dream, I expected that I would, but I never did. I dreamt that Humpty Dumpty was a serial killer, and a friend actually said "maybe he was... A serial killer in a big egg costume sat on a wall waiting... Predator Egg I believe he's called!!!"
He called me or I called him…what's your favorite word I said…his was Divine …Mine, Ultimatum.
He needed me, I did too.
He said sweet stuff from time to time, "you r kind, you r a saint…habibity"
I said "what if I fell for you, what if I m not gonna let you use me and abuse me"
"We will have to wait and see…"
I declared "everything is just over and dead to me and that's probably how I feel about you"
"Death is part of life cycle"….what the hell.
I sent him a message "hi"
He called…"thank you"

She came back,
I did something very very wrong

What?

I sent him a message "hi"
And he called me

Fuck
And?

I had him blocked for a few months now
Well he chatted and stuff
And he said he was gonna call me to thank me because he won in the competition
And I encouraged him to call, he asked me to unblock him from facebook
& I said I probably won't
& I did

Ha?
U unblocked him?

& I checked his profile
He's in a relationship
& I tried to block him again but it said I have to wait 4 a couple of days to block him

How do u feel?
And how did u end the phone call?

Well I feel sick, disgusted angry and fucked up
We ended the phone that he had to go


It's a moment of emotional outburst
We all do fucked up things
When we feel lonely
And in need
Don't be harsh on yourself
U just have to undo that
Maybe
A good idea
Is

I feel disgusted at myself

Removing his number from your phone
And blocking him
Even if u just unblocked him


Delete anything that's related to him
On your accounts or mails
Just do that
U will feel better

Ha-ha
Already did that before
Good idea I will remove his number

Yeah

Just did

Do it again
It is a process

I just did now
I will block him again from facebook a couple of days later when they say I can

Do that
It will be ok
U just need to be rigid with your decision
And don't let any flaws in application frustrate u
Just start all over

I m just tired with starting all over again every now and then
I feel I have been running around in circles for some time now


Well

I know what u r saying
But when u think about it
There r pretty few straight lines in life
Circles is the world favorite shape
It is indispensible
And tiring

I m gonna use this conversation in the piece of writing I m working on…

I inspired u
?
That's cool
Can't wait
To read it

Don’t use this word
It's his

Ok

Inspiration
And;



Inspire me,
Inspire you,
Inspiration….
Me, and you, and the whole Fucked up world of burning ash trays that use the need for musing just to screw each other up!!!


Maybe I am a masochist…but you well you are the worst of the worst, something I have never met before a sadist masochist, we would make a perfect couple, tearing each other apart and …
The problem is you don't feel, you don't have sentiments, you devour everything…you are a vampire, disgustingly beautiful vampire….the worst of this all that even if you read this even then you won't understand!!!
Even when I m right, you give me a reason to doubt myself, you thought I knew you were lying to me right from the start…what am I "a bitch".
You were so proud being an animal, but even animals live by their instincts, yours is a sick instinct, the best that can happen to you is to be humiliated, to be destructed and brought back together with a silly "I need to sleep now", remember when you were hungry and had to hung up to sleep…remember when I said I feared you, remember when I was crying for you to speak softly to me, remember when you wondered why I was scared of your wilderness.
Remember your laugh of my stupid questions, remember the fights for a hypothetical hug, remember the fight for who is gonna hug who, I wanted to stay in your arms forever and you wanted me to squash your very being in my arms. Remember how you wanted to be a pampered child and the next moment, a slave in my kingdom.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's okay because I love the way it hurts…just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's okay because I love the way you lie."
"And it's sick that all these battles are what keep me satisfied"
I don’t wanna lose your essence, the beauty of your lies and the sound of your needy and shivery orgasm. There is always an aftermath, the death of my soul in this psychotic merging of devastated entities, two psychopaths where shall we go.
"Marital status": in a relationship
Single
You know that old story, that the devil was an angel…I don’t believe that your satanic shoving heart has ever been in heaven…my beloved man on fire; it must be that I turned into a Masonic logo to fall for you.
Hssh baby, listen to my voice.
NO, Enough, I have had enough of you,
Get off my back, out of my life, out of me, and out of my soul.
Where do you think you can go…I m in so deep, yet I m not even there, you are all over me even though I m not here.


"Happy birthday…did you stop fooling around"
"Thanks…ha-ha…yeah, what about you"
"Pretty much I never did, you were my one time …ummm…thing"
"Well I m good, you gave me much you know!!"
"I know I gave you more than you deserve…"


I just don't understand, how come you are in a relationship…how come you know who to be fully committed to someone, didn't…didn't you say, that you couldn't…why wasn't that me…why can't I be the one…
Because you don't deserve me, I don't deserve to be with someone so lost into his own mind like you…
I am an amazing beautiful crazy young lady, who refuses to be drained out,
I m a feminine feminist,
I m the story in itself and you are just passing by.

Dakar Je t'aime

Dakar je t'aime

Haven't written for some time now; haven't had the stamina to face my muse or that airy beautiful breeze of being detached from the daily hectic life of work, errands, even hang outs that some time when u are so overwhelmed becomes a burden on its own…in the sense that you really want to see your friends, but see them alive and interactive and you are just forlorn and distant.
I believe that in a lot of aspects I m blessed. But deep down inside, I have this pain…pain of being incapable to let go, to just be…but I don’t know a certain version of me that I would like to be, sometimes people choose their version of me and decide to live with it. let them be then, but I am not this nor that, I m still trying to be, wouldn't mind trying for as long as I live just with a little peace.
I pray in the morning, to a God that I don't know, I try to find an ultimatum, I try to surrender, I wish I could…friends say I shouldn't be outspoken, but it helps knowing that its out there, maybe if I can't find my God, I can find companionship.
A week ago I had my third trip in 2010 outside Egypt. Senegal, Dakar…je t'aime. I hate airports, and more I hate flights, especially when it’s a 12 hour trip.
I landed in Dakar at 6:00 am their time which is GMT+0 , everything changed upside down, I met the boss, two Yemenis amazing women and our baggage was lost in Casablanca's airport. That was one hell of a start.
There is something about Africa. There is something about less cosmopolitan country than your own hometown, there is something about Dakar.
One of the most beautiful experiences ever is to communicate with people who tell you "sister" just by walking in the street, although eventually you realize that that’s probably the only or more or less the most likely to hear them say in English. There's something amazing, that they speak in French and you get along just fine. How distressing language has become the link between human beings; and here I am using a language not even my own to reflect on a life changing cycle in a wheel of experiences. I started thinking in Yemeni, especially and most notably for me in words that has to do with wanting and belonging… in my mind I would stay "eshtahy…want" and "haqy…mine"…
If I would write a travel suggestion I would say that the weather is hot the people are lovely and the food is various and amazing and the ocean is huge and it's a cheap country. But would you believe me if I told you that it's the only country I have been to, that actually have a very distinctive smell that I still remember when I sit and contemplate in my bed in my 10 minutes meditation before sleeping.
One benefit for Nawara is the guys there don't mind chubby girls, I should go live there then. But I realized it's not about guys anywhere, it is actually about the fact that I don't even have a visualization of my own body in my own little head. I have been up and down and I still don't think there is a Nawara that I know. Just what people want me to see and I think I have a long journey not to be afraid to acknowledge my own flesh.
Yemeni gals … I have shared a room with the most lovely woman I have ever met, she made me laugh, she made me feel alive…She made me feel Nawara. She is a heroine for me. And the young one will always be a young sister I wish I had a chance to pamper.
African women are purely women… I can't describe how they come to be alive and fully generated in what the live up to and how their spirits are just a reason to keep going.
The only Senegal guy I have met, I mean liked talked… I salute … there are still men out there.
Me, being around feminists, me alone, laughing, aching, wondering, a spectator of a show of life, a participant in a dream. To whom it may concern, I m blessed with an ache in my heart.