"I am untold"
10 minutes in -performancefor stage A monologue
By Nawara Belal
February 2011
The stage is set in a psychiatric clinic, at the middle of the stage there is a sign in bold "Shrink's Office". The set is all white with two leather big black armchairs, and a chaise lounge with a white long lamp shade. .
A male nurse who is young and a little blond with not so heavy sexy beard sits at left side of the stage , seeming all full of himself and acting all macho, flirting with someone outside the room. There is a no smoking sign above the desk of the nurse. At the other end of the stage (the right) there is the sign of "Doctor's Office" .
The hereon Nadine is in the middle of the stage and keeps moving from one armed chair to the other, fearing actually to sit on the chaise lounge, but finally stares at it and sits on it and with a move of her leg turn it into a corner and sheds on the light of the lamp shade and that is all the lighting that is there.
At first she keeps looking back and forth at the nurse who gives her a wink every time she looks at him and finally does the Italian fuck you sign to him then stares at the audience form the corner she is sitting in.
She settles in the chair trying to cross her legs and act all posh and elegant trying to settle the sleeves of her dress that seems that it's not hers. Her legs keep falling off and finally she gets the chaise lounge at the middle of the stage and we hear the nurse mumbling something to her and again she does the Italian fuck you sign to him so he just mumbles his way out off stage.
She gets the chaise lounge and lamp shade to the middle, sits each leg apart at one side of the chair and shakes her head.
Nadine:
Ayah
She stairs with tears in her eyes at the audience for half a second.
SILENCE
Damn you me
Well…okay, what day is today…ohm SATURDAY, because yesterday was FRIDAY…?
Pauses and starts counting on her fingers and mumbles
Talks to the audience.
yeah SATURDAY the first… you must all now that yesterday was New Year's eve, what the hell are you all doing here, aren't you as fucked up like me with a horrible hangover
I wonder who else knows, I wonder if I totally know, I mean I haven't seen any blood, but I was sober, wasn't I, I mean nothing happened…
Looks at the audience with a sarcastic look
You know what I mean with nothing happened…yes don't act all fool at me, we all know that ALL EXCEPT means nothing. All except, very simple phrase to say…as if all that matters is the 2 centimeters down there that makes all the difference. That is all that identifies who I am, but wait, didn't the Chinese feel for us and designed one that costs round 75 pounds. Damn, I wasted my chance last night and saved 75 pounds.
Points at one end of the stage and say with her head down
…that man that ugly stupid man says all except means something, he said this before, what can I say, that I feel guilty that I don’t feel guilty, but I don’t feel guilty, I don't feel I did anything wrong…is that weird, is it weird that I loved the sensation of it all?. The way he took off my blouse, they way he smiled at me and said everything is alright. The way he knows I did it before- the all except-, the way he kissed me while whispering in my ears that nothing between us will ever change, that he will keep walking after me when I get out of my session, makes me my coffee and gets me hash. That I can trust him, that I can keep turning back to him even after I get married. That he will devote himself to me. That this is not abuse, that this is love; that it is not true that we shouldn't be together. That he loved me like no man has ever loved before. I love the pain he inflicts upon me, the harshness of his palms on my body, the way he twists and flips me as if I don’t even exist, I lose my self to him, I lose me and become a doll he plays with and I m happy with that, I m happy because I m left with more and more scares that I m so much of a coward that I can't cause it myself, oh how much he loves me, how much I hate love, adore, fear him. How great he is that he knows I will get married and still want him, how much I despise everything about him…he is so damn good at making me reach the orgasm of the filth. We all know I wish I had him
Points at the place where the nurse was sitting
I wish I had him fully into me last night. We all know I still don’t love him but love the way he caresses me, how I feel warm like no pill, no dope, no drink, no thing had ever made me feel before
Turns to one side of the chair and puts her head between her legs and sings
I feel pretty, all so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and gay, I feel charming, all so charming, blah blah
Well
Gets her head up and straightens herself with a leg crossed and gets a cigarette to smoke and looks at the no smoking sign and throws away and continues to the audience
You were all there, you are all always watching me, I can feel your breaths and hear you murmuring and laughing, you and you and God and the angels
Points to the doctor's office
so, you must know the shit hole I have been in and I' m supposed to go in there and say I hated it and I hated him and I want a drug to make me forget it all and act like a good girl, and cry for forgiveness…but no non no I felt happy, it was beautifully ugly and dirty and disgusting and charmingly filthy, I felt like I belonged there, that I was born to stay there forever, that the flies were like buzzing butterflies, and the ants were like those rats in Cinderella that turned into a fairy whatever heavenly creature; that the getting up the stairs for the 6th floor was a walk to heaven, that if he didn't call last night to confirm on today's session he would have never known what I was dying for, that this local brandy was greater than any whiskey and that his broken bed was the most comfortable I have ever laid on and YES it was charming.
What do you want from me? HA!! Don't treat me like a defendant it's not me who stinks of shit, I love the shit; and I m not a victim either.
Moves out of the chair and walks a silly walk, almost faints and puts her hand on the nurse's desk and he comes rushing in and gets her to the chaise lounge she looks at him with tears and pushes him away and he gets out off stage and she talks to the audience
You see he is not all so bad himself
She stands up about to fall and the nurse comes in for rescue when she waves at him to get out she acts all macho herself
Pointing at the doctor's office
Well here is the plan, I'm gonna go in there and say I did it, I did it and I'm happy, I'm gonna turn lesbian if I want, I'm free, I'm a NEUROTIC FREE NADINE. I gonna tell him that I don't need his medication, that I haven't taken them for 3 months now and I'm doing great. That his son is not even a man, YOUR SON IS GAY, he is a fag. You don't know how humiliated I feel around him; the hot shot to be famous shrink. He is kind I know, but he knows everything about me that I feel totally naked in front of him -except the all except- Why does he accept me, why does he want me, why doesn't he hurt me like every other man I have ever known. How come he says I deserve the best, doesn't he know how pathetic I am? Will he bear the nights when I cry myself to sleep from the pain coming from every pore of my
body? Will he bear the days I spend all long in bed staring at the ceiling wishing the clock would stop ticking? He is a fag …he sees me drawing and says he sees through my badness into a purity of a freakin soul….that beautiful guy saw me drawing a butterfly on a napkin ..He didn't see I was bored, he saw I was talented, he said I can be a painter…that "self realization" can get me through. What a nerd? He thinks that all the books he reads mean anything to me!!! I don't want what he offers, I want Me, everybody wants to change me and they don't know how addictive this pain is, how what he offers of a better life, painless life just doesn't work for me. I'll always have these scars on my wrist, and if the pain goes away and they stay where will that leave me? I just wonder if he wants me to taint him, but he is too good for me to do so, he is a man beyond fault. I know I will taint him, I m just too bad…he is too good.
Falls on the ground and holds her wrist and says
DON’T TRY TO FIX ME I'M NOT BROKEEN.
She is about to say something pointing her finger at the audience when a bell from the doctor's office rings, she behaves herself and moves towards the side of the stage and we see her at the side making a military hand shake and says as she walks out and we just hear her voice
Yes sir, all is fine,
No I didn’t drink last night sir,
Yes I came home early,
Yes I'm ready to get married,
Yes sir I love your son sir,
Yes I'm happy to marry him, yes he is the best man ever
No sir I'm not gonna be naughty
Yes sir I take my medication
Yes… yes… yes…
The End.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Its Okay
It's Okay
She woke up thinking of how alone she felt; among her family, the man sleeping next to her. Every night they kiss goodnight and turn their backs to each other and sleep fearing the coming night.
Nine months they pretend and touch each other only in public. They do everything the same, acting has become not only a habit for them but also a truth they are living…it got them closer together in a very sick way, it's the only thing that they have agreed on for 3 years now. They do it perfectly, in a way that they started to like it. They started to think it's what is meant to be. It is the dream every couple was looking for and couldn’t reach; they thought they have found the realm behind the reality. They had nothing to talk about anymore but the felt they couldn’t stop having dinner together, they had wine and candles every now and again just as proof that there was something romantic behind the nightmare, behind their abstaining from unity turning to lonesome. She stopped thinking about it, she stopped slapping him on the face when she senses he was with another woman, he stopped pushing her to the wall when he smells some other man's essence on her body. They stopped having make up sex because there was nothing anymore to make up for. There was nothing to make up for …they stopped making love, they stopped having rough sex, they stopped having sympathy sex and they stopped making out. They stopped cheating on each other because they stopped having any desire, they both became asexual creatures. They tried, believe you me, they tried …she never made him see her naked and he always wanted sex in the dark. Now they have showers together, they bath each other and feel nothing. They touch each other yet can't see a body just a shadow, an echo of something past. They watch T.V together and sometimes she falls asleep on his legs; he tries to move his fingers through her hair and fails; yet he holds her and puts her in bed.
They go out a lot now, they feel ecstasy when they pretend, maybe that s the only time they get turned on, they look like an amazing couple, she glows and he seems all so macho and they r like they can't take their hands of off each other. People feel jealous; their ex-affairs try the harder and harder to win them back. But they don't want anyone else anymore, they can't…they don’t want to be exposed.
She woke up thinking of how alone she felt; among her family, the man sleeping next to her. Every night they kiss goodnight and turn their backs to each other and sleep fearing the coming night. They started fearing what's next. They are not married, they have no kids, and they have nothing but the nothing they live in. they can't leave and fear to go on…again they have become identical, they are both so damn connected to each other and get the hell scared to sleep alone; they try to hug each other while sleeping and feel suffocating.
Shall we get married, she asked and he agreed, he said lets have babies and she said yes. But they did nothing, evolving is not a game they can play.
She woke up thinking of how alone she felt; among her family, the man sleeping next to her. Every night they kiss goodnight and turn their backs to each other and sleep fearing the coming night.
She woke up thinking of how alone she felt; among her family, the man sleeping next to her. Every night they kiss goodnight and turn their backs to each other and sleep fearing the coming night.
Nine months they pretend and touch each other only in public. They do everything the same, acting has become not only a habit for them but also a truth they are living…it got them closer together in a very sick way, it's the only thing that they have agreed on for 3 years now. They do it perfectly, in a way that they started to like it. They started to think it's what is meant to be. It is the dream every couple was looking for and couldn’t reach; they thought they have found the realm behind the reality. They had nothing to talk about anymore but the felt they couldn’t stop having dinner together, they had wine and candles every now and again just as proof that there was something romantic behind the nightmare, behind their abstaining from unity turning to lonesome. She stopped thinking about it, she stopped slapping him on the face when she senses he was with another woman, he stopped pushing her to the wall when he smells some other man's essence on her body. They stopped having make up sex because there was nothing anymore to make up for. There was nothing to make up for …they stopped making love, they stopped having rough sex, they stopped having sympathy sex and they stopped making out. They stopped cheating on each other because they stopped having any desire, they both became asexual creatures. They tried, believe you me, they tried …she never made him see her naked and he always wanted sex in the dark. Now they have showers together, they bath each other and feel nothing. They touch each other yet can't see a body just a shadow, an echo of something past. They watch T.V together and sometimes she falls asleep on his legs; he tries to move his fingers through her hair and fails; yet he holds her and puts her in bed.
They go out a lot now, they feel ecstasy when they pretend, maybe that s the only time they get turned on, they look like an amazing couple, she glows and he seems all so macho and they r like they can't take their hands of off each other. People feel jealous; their ex-affairs try the harder and harder to win them back. But they don't want anyone else anymore, they can't…they don’t want to be exposed.
She woke up thinking of how alone she felt; among her family, the man sleeping next to her. Every night they kiss goodnight and turn their backs to each other and sleep fearing the coming night. They started fearing what's next. They are not married, they have no kids, and they have nothing but the nothing they live in. they can't leave and fear to go on…again they have become identical, they are both so damn connected to each other and get the hell scared to sleep alone; they try to hug each other while sleeping and feel suffocating.
Shall we get married, she asked and he agreed, he said lets have babies and she said yes. But they did nothing, evolving is not a game they can play.
She woke up thinking of how alone she felt; among her family, the man sleeping next to her. Every night they kiss goodnight and turn their backs to each other and sleep fearing the coming night.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
you disgust me...I love you
You disgust me…I love you
You disgust me, your so-called strength disgusts me, and your love for life disgusts me. I have a feeling u r lost though; I have no clue who you are and you don't me neither. I pretend I m there in every move, but have no clue how you see me, do you comprehend me? Do you even know I am there, or just a shadow to your existence that you try to hide and cast a spell on so that I would never reclaim myself in you. I see myself, very far at the bottom of you, swapped and dragged back with your footsteps. Step by step and I fall apart. I see you love yourself more than you love me (ain't we one and the same), I don't wanna show you who and how I am. I don't wanna burn you inside me like you did me. I don't wanna screw you, like you screwed me; I don't wanna make you sorry. What!!! Ha…I can't, well, let us wait and see…maybe I can't because of that last embrace…yeah…wait, remember, remember when we used to dress up and play tea parties. Just you and me, and that old wooden setting, mama got us; remember when you used to build me that tent of pillows and the bed sheet under the kitchen table that you used to drag only you because I was small and tiny; you used to make fun of me and then hold me tight and lull me to sleep. Remember when we used to snuggle in each other one body one soul one entity. But you sold us out, you grew up, you say your strong and I am weak, you say I hold you back; but I m part of you, even if you are strong I can make you the strongest with my gentle weakness, if you are great I can make you greatest with my serene humbleness, if you are beautiful I can make you the most beautiful with my amazing defaults. Tell me, when you leave me here, what will become of me, and where shall I go; deserted and lonely, in that darkest hole so deep in the ground that you will only listen to sassing of a voice and not even an echo, I have an ego of my own but I would swallow my pride just to go on a ride with you, a ride in that green road of a childhood so far away yet so close. I want to tell you so much, I want you back. But I don’t want to retrieve you, but I want YOU to retrieve me. I want you to take me back, a part of you and not a zombie that you forecast. I love you.
You disgust me, your so-called strength disgusts me, and your love for life disgusts me. I have a feeling u r lost though; I have no clue who you are and you don't me neither. I pretend I m there in every move, but have no clue how you see me, do you comprehend me? Do you even know I am there, or just a shadow to your existence that you try to hide and cast a spell on so that I would never reclaim myself in you. I see myself, very far at the bottom of you, swapped and dragged back with your footsteps. Step by step and I fall apart. I see you love yourself more than you love me (ain't we one and the same), I don't wanna show you who and how I am. I don't wanna burn you inside me like you did me. I don't wanna screw you, like you screwed me; I don't wanna make you sorry. What!!! Ha…I can't, well, let us wait and see…maybe I can't because of that last embrace…yeah…wait, remember, remember when we used to dress up and play tea parties. Just you and me, and that old wooden setting, mama got us; remember when you used to build me that tent of pillows and the bed sheet under the kitchen table that you used to drag only you because I was small and tiny; you used to make fun of me and then hold me tight and lull me to sleep. Remember when we used to snuggle in each other one body one soul one entity. But you sold us out, you grew up, you say your strong and I am weak, you say I hold you back; but I m part of you, even if you are strong I can make you the strongest with my gentle weakness, if you are great I can make you greatest with my serene humbleness, if you are beautiful I can make you the most beautiful with my amazing defaults. Tell me, when you leave me here, what will become of me, and where shall I go; deserted and lonely, in that darkest hole so deep in the ground that you will only listen to sassing of a voice and not even an echo, I have an ego of my own but I would swallow my pride just to go on a ride with you, a ride in that green road of a childhood so far away yet so close. I want to tell you so much, I want you back. But I don’t want to retrieve you, but I want YOU to retrieve me. I want you to take me back, a part of you and not a zombie that you forecast. I love you.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
surviving
I once had a dream everything was beautiful. People were beautiful, I was beautiful and the whole world was a fairytale…
Hmm... Well I never actually had this dream, I expected that I would, but I never did. I dreamt that Humpty Dumpty was a serial killer, and a friend actually said "maybe he was... A serial killer in a big egg costume sat on a wall waiting... Predator Egg I believe he's called!!!"
He called me or I called him…what's your favorite word I said…his was Divine …Mine, Ultimatum.
He needed me, I did too.
He said sweet stuff from time to time, "you r kind, you r a saint…habibity"
I said "what if I fell for you, what if I m not gonna let you use me and abuse me"
"We will have to wait and see…"
I declared "everything is just over and dead to me and that's probably how I feel about you"
"Death is part of life cycle"….what the hell.
I sent him a message "hi"
He called…"thank you"
She came back,
I did something very very wrong
What?
I sent him a message "hi"
And he called me
Fuck
And?
I had him blocked for a few months now
Well he chatted and stuff
And he said he was gonna call me to thank me because he won in the competition
And I encouraged him to call, he asked me to unblock him from facebook
& I said I probably won't
& I did
Ha?
U unblocked him?
& I checked his profile
He's in a relationship
& I tried to block him again but it said I have to wait 4 a couple of days to block him
How do u feel?
And how did u end the phone call?
Well I feel sick, disgusted angry and fucked up
We ended the phone that he had to go
It's a moment of emotional outburst
We all do fucked up things
When we feel lonely
And in need
Don't be harsh on yourself
U just have to undo that
Maybe
A good idea
Is
I feel disgusted at myself
Removing his number from your phone
And blocking him
Even if u just unblocked him
Delete anything that's related to him
On your accounts or mails
Just do that
U will feel better
Ha-ha
Already did that before
Good idea I will remove his number
Yeah
Just did
Do it again
It is a process
I just did now
I will block him again from facebook a couple of days later when they say I can
Do that
It will be ok
U just need to be rigid with your decision
And don't let any flaws in application frustrate u
Just start all over
I m just tired with starting all over again every now and then
I feel I have been running around in circles for some time now
Well
I know what u r saying
But when u think about it
There r pretty few straight lines in life
Circles is the world favorite shape
It is indispensible
And tiring
I m gonna use this conversation in the piece of writing I m working on…
I inspired u
?
That's cool
Can't wait
To read it
Don’t use this word
It's his
Ok
Inspiration
And;
Inspire me,
Inspire you,
Inspiration….
Me, and you, and the whole Fucked up world of burning ash trays that use the need for musing just to screw each other up!!!
Maybe I am a masochist…but you well you are the worst of the worst, something I have never met before a sadist masochist, we would make a perfect couple, tearing each other apart and …
The problem is you don't feel, you don't have sentiments, you devour everything…you are a vampire, disgustingly beautiful vampire….the worst of this all that even if you read this even then you won't understand!!!
Even when I m right, you give me a reason to doubt myself, you thought I knew you were lying to me right from the start…what am I "a bitch".
You were so proud being an animal, but even animals live by their instincts, yours is a sick instinct, the best that can happen to you is to be humiliated, to be destructed and brought back together with a silly "I need to sleep now", remember when you were hungry and had to hung up to sleep…remember when I said I feared you, remember when I was crying for you to speak softly to me, remember when you wondered why I was scared of your wilderness.
Remember your laugh of my stupid questions, remember the fights for a hypothetical hug, remember the fight for who is gonna hug who, I wanted to stay in your arms forever and you wanted me to squash your very being in my arms. Remember how you wanted to be a pampered child and the next moment, a slave in my kingdom.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's okay because I love the way it hurts…just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's okay because I love the way you lie."
"And it's sick that all these battles are what keep me satisfied"
I don’t wanna lose your essence, the beauty of your lies and the sound of your needy and shivery orgasm. There is always an aftermath, the death of my soul in this psychotic merging of devastated entities, two psychopaths where shall we go.
"Marital status": in a relationship
Single
You know that old story, that the devil was an angel…I don’t believe that your satanic shoving heart has ever been in heaven…my beloved man on fire; it must be that I turned into a Masonic logo to fall for you.
Hssh baby, listen to my voice.
NO, Enough, I have had enough of you,
Get off my back, out of my life, out of me, and out of my soul.
Where do you think you can go…I m in so deep, yet I m not even there, you are all over me even though I m not here.
"Happy birthday…did you stop fooling around"
"Thanks…ha-ha…yeah, what about you"
"Pretty much I never did, you were my one time …ummm…thing"
"Well I m good, you gave me much you know!!"
"I know I gave you more than you deserve…"
I just don't understand, how come you are in a relationship…how come you know who to be fully committed to someone, didn't…didn't you say, that you couldn't…why wasn't that me…why can't I be the one…
Because you don't deserve me, I don't deserve to be with someone so lost into his own mind like you…
I am an amazing beautiful crazy young lady, who refuses to be drained out,
I m a feminine feminist,
I m the story in itself and you are just passing by.
Hmm... Well I never actually had this dream, I expected that I would, but I never did. I dreamt that Humpty Dumpty was a serial killer, and a friend actually said "maybe he was... A serial killer in a big egg costume sat on a wall waiting... Predator Egg I believe he's called!!!"
He called me or I called him…what's your favorite word I said…his was Divine …Mine, Ultimatum.
He needed me, I did too.
He said sweet stuff from time to time, "you r kind, you r a saint…habibity"
I said "what if I fell for you, what if I m not gonna let you use me and abuse me"
"We will have to wait and see…"
I declared "everything is just over and dead to me and that's probably how I feel about you"
"Death is part of life cycle"….what the hell.
I sent him a message "hi"
He called…"thank you"
She came back,
I did something very very wrong
What?
I sent him a message "hi"
And he called me
Fuck
And?
I had him blocked for a few months now
Well he chatted and stuff
And he said he was gonna call me to thank me because he won in the competition
And I encouraged him to call, he asked me to unblock him from facebook
& I said I probably won't
& I did
Ha?
U unblocked him?
& I checked his profile
He's in a relationship
& I tried to block him again but it said I have to wait 4 a couple of days to block him
How do u feel?
And how did u end the phone call?
Well I feel sick, disgusted angry and fucked up
We ended the phone that he had to go
It's a moment of emotional outburst
We all do fucked up things
When we feel lonely
And in need
Don't be harsh on yourself
U just have to undo that
Maybe
A good idea
Is
I feel disgusted at myself
Removing his number from your phone
And blocking him
Even if u just unblocked him
Delete anything that's related to him
On your accounts or mails
Just do that
U will feel better
Ha-ha
Already did that before
Good idea I will remove his number
Yeah
Just did
Do it again
It is a process
I just did now
I will block him again from facebook a couple of days later when they say I can
Do that
It will be ok
U just need to be rigid with your decision
And don't let any flaws in application frustrate u
Just start all over
I m just tired with starting all over again every now and then
I feel I have been running around in circles for some time now
Well
I know what u r saying
But when u think about it
There r pretty few straight lines in life
Circles is the world favorite shape
It is indispensible
And tiring
I m gonna use this conversation in the piece of writing I m working on…
I inspired u
?
That's cool
Can't wait
To read it
Don’t use this word
It's his
Ok
Inspiration
And;
Inspire me,
Inspire you,
Inspiration….
Me, and you, and the whole Fucked up world of burning ash trays that use the need for musing just to screw each other up!!!
Maybe I am a masochist…but you well you are the worst of the worst, something I have never met before a sadist masochist, we would make a perfect couple, tearing each other apart and …
The problem is you don't feel, you don't have sentiments, you devour everything…you are a vampire, disgustingly beautiful vampire….the worst of this all that even if you read this even then you won't understand!!!
Even when I m right, you give me a reason to doubt myself, you thought I knew you were lying to me right from the start…what am I "a bitch".
You were so proud being an animal, but even animals live by their instincts, yours is a sick instinct, the best that can happen to you is to be humiliated, to be destructed and brought back together with a silly "I need to sleep now", remember when you were hungry and had to hung up to sleep…remember when I said I feared you, remember when I was crying for you to speak softly to me, remember when you wondered why I was scared of your wilderness.
Remember your laugh of my stupid questions, remember the fights for a hypothetical hug, remember the fight for who is gonna hug who, I wanted to stay in your arms forever and you wanted me to squash your very being in my arms. Remember how you wanted to be a pampered child and the next moment, a slave in my kingdom.
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn, but that's okay because I love the way it hurts…just gonna stand there and hear me cry, but that's okay because I love the way you lie."
"And it's sick that all these battles are what keep me satisfied"
I don’t wanna lose your essence, the beauty of your lies and the sound of your needy and shivery orgasm. There is always an aftermath, the death of my soul in this psychotic merging of devastated entities, two psychopaths where shall we go.
"Marital status": in a relationship
Single
You know that old story, that the devil was an angel…I don’t believe that your satanic shoving heart has ever been in heaven…my beloved man on fire; it must be that I turned into a Masonic logo to fall for you.
Hssh baby, listen to my voice.
NO, Enough, I have had enough of you,
Get off my back, out of my life, out of me, and out of my soul.
Where do you think you can go…I m in so deep, yet I m not even there, you are all over me even though I m not here.
"Happy birthday…did you stop fooling around"
"Thanks…ha-ha…yeah, what about you"
"Pretty much I never did, you were my one time …ummm…thing"
"Well I m good, you gave me much you know!!"
"I know I gave you more than you deserve…"
I just don't understand, how come you are in a relationship…how come you know who to be fully committed to someone, didn't…didn't you say, that you couldn't…why wasn't that me…why can't I be the one…
Because you don't deserve me, I don't deserve to be with someone so lost into his own mind like you…
I am an amazing beautiful crazy young lady, who refuses to be drained out,
I m a feminine feminist,
I m the story in itself and you are just passing by.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Dakar Je t'aime
Dakar je t'aime
Haven't written for some time now; haven't had the stamina to face my muse or that airy beautiful breeze of being detached from the daily hectic life of work, errands, even hang outs that some time when u are so overwhelmed becomes a burden on its own…in the sense that you really want to see your friends, but see them alive and interactive and you are just forlorn and distant.
I believe that in a lot of aspects I m blessed. But deep down inside, I have this pain…pain of being incapable to let go, to just be…but I don’t know a certain version of me that I would like to be, sometimes people choose their version of me and decide to live with it. let them be then, but I am not this nor that, I m still trying to be, wouldn't mind trying for as long as I live just with a little peace.
I pray in the morning, to a God that I don't know, I try to find an ultimatum, I try to surrender, I wish I could…friends say I shouldn't be outspoken, but it helps knowing that its out there, maybe if I can't find my God, I can find companionship.
A week ago I had my third trip in 2010 outside Egypt. Senegal, Dakar…je t'aime. I hate airports, and more I hate flights, especially when it’s a 12 hour trip.
I landed in Dakar at 6:00 am their time which is GMT+0 , everything changed upside down, I met the boss, two Yemenis amazing women and our baggage was lost in Casablanca's airport. That was one hell of a start.
There is something about Africa. There is something about less cosmopolitan country than your own hometown, there is something about Dakar.
One of the most beautiful experiences ever is to communicate with people who tell you "sister" just by walking in the street, although eventually you realize that that’s probably the only or more or less the most likely to hear them say in English. There's something amazing, that they speak in French and you get along just fine. How distressing language has become the link between human beings; and here I am using a language not even my own to reflect on a life changing cycle in a wheel of experiences. I started thinking in Yemeni, especially and most notably for me in words that has to do with wanting and belonging… in my mind I would stay "eshtahy…want" and "haqy…mine"…
If I would write a travel suggestion I would say that the weather is hot the people are lovely and the food is various and amazing and the ocean is huge and it's a cheap country. But would you believe me if I told you that it's the only country I have been to, that actually have a very distinctive smell that I still remember when I sit and contemplate in my bed in my 10 minutes meditation before sleeping.
One benefit for Nawara is the guys there don't mind chubby girls, I should go live there then. But I realized it's not about guys anywhere, it is actually about the fact that I don't even have a visualization of my own body in my own little head. I have been up and down and I still don't think there is a Nawara that I know. Just what people want me to see and I think I have a long journey not to be afraid to acknowledge my own flesh.
Yemeni gals … I have shared a room with the most lovely woman I have ever met, she made me laugh, she made me feel alive…She made me feel Nawara. She is a heroine for me. And the young one will always be a young sister I wish I had a chance to pamper.
African women are purely women… I can't describe how they come to be alive and fully generated in what the live up to and how their spirits are just a reason to keep going.
The only Senegal guy I have met, I mean liked talked… I salute … there are still men out there.
Me, being around feminists, me alone, laughing, aching, wondering, a spectator of a show of life, a participant in a dream. To whom it may concern, I m blessed with an ache in my heart.
Haven't written for some time now; haven't had the stamina to face my muse or that airy beautiful breeze of being detached from the daily hectic life of work, errands, even hang outs that some time when u are so overwhelmed becomes a burden on its own…in the sense that you really want to see your friends, but see them alive and interactive and you are just forlorn and distant.
I believe that in a lot of aspects I m blessed. But deep down inside, I have this pain…pain of being incapable to let go, to just be…but I don’t know a certain version of me that I would like to be, sometimes people choose their version of me and decide to live with it. let them be then, but I am not this nor that, I m still trying to be, wouldn't mind trying for as long as I live just with a little peace.
I pray in the morning, to a God that I don't know, I try to find an ultimatum, I try to surrender, I wish I could…friends say I shouldn't be outspoken, but it helps knowing that its out there, maybe if I can't find my God, I can find companionship.
A week ago I had my third trip in 2010 outside Egypt. Senegal, Dakar…je t'aime. I hate airports, and more I hate flights, especially when it’s a 12 hour trip.
I landed in Dakar at 6:00 am their time which is GMT+0 , everything changed upside down, I met the boss, two Yemenis amazing women and our baggage was lost in Casablanca's airport. That was one hell of a start.
There is something about Africa. There is something about less cosmopolitan country than your own hometown, there is something about Dakar.
One of the most beautiful experiences ever is to communicate with people who tell you "sister" just by walking in the street, although eventually you realize that that’s probably the only or more or less the most likely to hear them say in English. There's something amazing, that they speak in French and you get along just fine. How distressing language has become the link between human beings; and here I am using a language not even my own to reflect on a life changing cycle in a wheel of experiences. I started thinking in Yemeni, especially and most notably for me in words that has to do with wanting and belonging… in my mind I would stay "eshtahy…want" and "haqy…mine"…
If I would write a travel suggestion I would say that the weather is hot the people are lovely and the food is various and amazing and the ocean is huge and it's a cheap country. But would you believe me if I told you that it's the only country I have been to, that actually have a very distinctive smell that I still remember when I sit and contemplate in my bed in my 10 minutes meditation before sleeping.
One benefit for Nawara is the guys there don't mind chubby girls, I should go live there then. But I realized it's not about guys anywhere, it is actually about the fact that I don't even have a visualization of my own body in my own little head. I have been up and down and I still don't think there is a Nawara that I know. Just what people want me to see and I think I have a long journey not to be afraid to acknowledge my own flesh.
Yemeni gals … I have shared a room with the most lovely woman I have ever met, she made me laugh, she made me feel alive…She made me feel Nawara. She is a heroine for me. And the young one will always be a young sister I wish I had a chance to pamper.
African women are purely women… I can't describe how they come to be alive and fully generated in what the live up to and how their spirits are just a reason to keep going.
The only Senegal guy I have met, I mean liked talked… I salute … there are still men out there.
Me, being around feminists, me alone, laughing, aching, wondering, a spectator of a show of life, a participant in a dream. To whom it may concern, I m blessed with an ache in my heart.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
هي
هي
كنت بتفرج عليها و هي نايمة ، نامت مرة واحده و هي قعده على الكرسي... راسها منحية على جنب و عينها و هي مقفلة شكلها كأنها بتقول كلام كتير من كتر حركة جفونها. بقها مفتوح فتحة صغيرة كأنها هتقول حاجات ليا انا بس ...ليا و لليل طويل يمسك سرها بسحره و يطويه زاي ما طوا جفونها . ماما كانت بتقول أن أحنا شكلنا زاي الملايكه و احنا نيميين. بس دي المرة الي ركزت في شكلها. مش عرفه بس هي مش ملاك هي يمكن تكون حصانة روهانة نايمه من كتر التعب الي بتشوفه. يمكن عشان كده نايمة على الكرسي و ممدده رجلها و متغطية بروب لبني بتاع نينه.
ديرت راسها، يمكن بتحلم...بتحلم بالبيت الي انا طبعا هيكون ليا فيه...بس يمكن هي بتفكر في العيال الي لسه مجوش ، هتيمسهم ايه ...حلم، سهر، سمر، سما، حنين.
ديرت رسها تاني ، يمكن غيرانه عليه ، يمكن خايفه عليه أو منه ، او من نفسها أو منهم لما بقوا كيان تاني...بقوا حاجة حقيقية ، مع بعض كملوا حاجات ناقصه ...هي أحلوت يمكن كمان فرحة روحها نورت وشها. روحها الي طول عمرها ببتأوه من كتر أحلمها الي طارت من بين أديها لغاية لما لقطها هو من بين صوبعه لغاية لما قلبه مات وصحي من جديد ، صحي على صوت بحبك.
رجعت رسها لورا و فردتها على الكرسي ، قلت بس ،،،ماما كانت بتقول انها كانت بتعمل كده و هي صغيرة لما بتحس بماما بتقوم من السرير...اصل انا و هي كنا بنيم ماما في النص و نكلبش فيها. هي كانت بترجع رسها زاي الفرسه الي بتنهر البعاد، ترجع لقديمه و تحضن السما بجفونها و ماما تلاعب صوبعها قدام عينها عشان تحس بالنجوم بتحرر جسمها الي متسلسل في السرير.
نزلت رسها لقدام و زي الفرسة الزعلانة حركت رجلها حركة مفاجئة نطرتها لقدام و راحت متزحلقة في الكرسي و طلعت آهة و ابتسمت. مفهمتش ...أصل انا صغيرة ، هي ليه بتأه و هي مبتسمة ، يمكن زاي ما نينه كانت بتقول أن في حاجات على قد ما بتزعلنا على قد ما مبنقدرش نبعد عنها، كانت كأنها ملبوسة، ملبوسة بعفرتتها، عفريته مزجها صعب...ساعات تدلعها و ساعات تمغص عليها ايمها. و كده تزعل و تضحك سنانها البيضة متبنش عشان القهرة مبتبينش الحلاوة.
خفت عليها لما تكعورت في نفسها و اتشقلبت و كأنها في بطن ماما. أصل ماما كانت بتقول أنها كان ليها أوضاع غريبة ، مكنتش بتخبط زي بقيت العيال بس كانت بتتشقلب. سعتها أحترت ، يمكن ماما و حشتها، يمكن مرتاحة لدرجة أن الفرسة طارت بيها بعيد و سبتلي بيبي جميل بتعيط لما انا أرضع و تفتكر لما ماما كانت بتخدها تقعدها على الكرسي الهزاز الي حوشت عشان تشتريه و تنيم بنتها على حلم الامان. انا فكره لما ماما قالت لي انها خافت من خيلها ، بس كبرت و بقت بتلعب مع العيال و تحرق القش و تجيب بت متشرده تديها التفاحة بتعتي و عفرتتها تطلع و تقول بهمة "صحبتي" الي هي أصلا مش فهمه هي بتقول ايه.
وقعت من الكرسي و ملحقتش ألقفها ...ضحكت و هي نايمه، و أتفردت على الأرض ، يعني بلفظ تاني، فرشحة رجلها و حضنت التراب. بتها حبيبها ، أوضه كل واحده فينا ليها ركن فيه و هي فعلا حبت لغاية لما راحت لركنها و حضنت نفسها و نسيت ، لملمتنا معها و عامت في بحر الشوق. انا متأكده دلوقتي انها بتفكر في بابا أصل هو الي كان بيشلها و يرجعها سريرها. تحضن رقبته و هو ماشي بيها يملس على شعرها و يقول الله ، دلوقتي و هو نايم بيعرف مكنها حتى لو في قارة تانية، بيعرف لأن بيجيلو نغزه في قلبه إذا كانت رجعت تحضن رقبته في حلمها، و يعرف أنها مرتاحة.
حبيبتي الحلوة بقت طعمه و لها شكل جديد. حبيبتي الحلوة بكره تكبر و تحضن أحلام تانية ، بس حبيبتي مش راح تنساني، حبيبتي راح تحلم و تضحك بسنانها البيضة و بكره تاخد الكرسي الهزاز تنيم بناتها على حلم بكره.
كنت بتفرج عليها و هي نايمة ، نامت مرة واحده و هي قعده على الكرسي... راسها منحية على جنب و عينها و هي مقفلة شكلها كأنها بتقول كلام كتير من كتر حركة جفونها. بقها مفتوح فتحة صغيرة كأنها هتقول حاجات ليا انا بس ...ليا و لليل طويل يمسك سرها بسحره و يطويه زاي ما طوا جفونها . ماما كانت بتقول أن أحنا شكلنا زاي الملايكه و احنا نيميين. بس دي المرة الي ركزت في شكلها. مش عرفه بس هي مش ملاك هي يمكن تكون حصانة روهانة نايمه من كتر التعب الي بتشوفه. يمكن عشان كده نايمة على الكرسي و ممدده رجلها و متغطية بروب لبني بتاع نينه.
ديرت راسها، يمكن بتحلم...بتحلم بالبيت الي انا طبعا هيكون ليا فيه...بس يمكن هي بتفكر في العيال الي لسه مجوش ، هتيمسهم ايه ...حلم، سهر، سمر، سما، حنين.
ديرت رسها تاني ، يمكن غيرانه عليه ، يمكن خايفه عليه أو منه ، او من نفسها أو منهم لما بقوا كيان تاني...بقوا حاجة حقيقية ، مع بعض كملوا حاجات ناقصه ...هي أحلوت يمكن كمان فرحة روحها نورت وشها. روحها الي طول عمرها ببتأوه من كتر أحلمها الي طارت من بين أديها لغاية لما لقطها هو من بين صوبعه لغاية لما قلبه مات وصحي من جديد ، صحي على صوت بحبك.
رجعت رسها لورا و فردتها على الكرسي ، قلت بس ،،،ماما كانت بتقول انها كانت بتعمل كده و هي صغيرة لما بتحس بماما بتقوم من السرير...اصل انا و هي كنا بنيم ماما في النص و نكلبش فيها. هي كانت بترجع رسها زاي الفرسه الي بتنهر البعاد، ترجع لقديمه و تحضن السما بجفونها و ماما تلاعب صوبعها قدام عينها عشان تحس بالنجوم بتحرر جسمها الي متسلسل في السرير.
نزلت رسها لقدام و زي الفرسة الزعلانة حركت رجلها حركة مفاجئة نطرتها لقدام و راحت متزحلقة في الكرسي و طلعت آهة و ابتسمت. مفهمتش ...أصل انا صغيرة ، هي ليه بتأه و هي مبتسمة ، يمكن زاي ما نينه كانت بتقول أن في حاجات على قد ما بتزعلنا على قد ما مبنقدرش نبعد عنها، كانت كأنها ملبوسة، ملبوسة بعفرتتها، عفريته مزجها صعب...ساعات تدلعها و ساعات تمغص عليها ايمها. و كده تزعل و تضحك سنانها البيضة متبنش عشان القهرة مبتبينش الحلاوة.
خفت عليها لما تكعورت في نفسها و اتشقلبت و كأنها في بطن ماما. أصل ماما كانت بتقول أنها كان ليها أوضاع غريبة ، مكنتش بتخبط زي بقيت العيال بس كانت بتتشقلب. سعتها أحترت ، يمكن ماما و حشتها، يمكن مرتاحة لدرجة أن الفرسة طارت بيها بعيد و سبتلي بيبي جميل بتعيط لما انا أرضع و تفتكر لما ماما كانت بتخدها تقعدها على الكرسي الهزاز الي حوشت عشان تشتريه و تنيم بنتها على حلم الامان. انا فكره لما ماما قالت لي انها خافت من خيلها ، بس كبرت و بقت بتلعب مع العيال و تحرق القش و تجيب بت متشرده تديها التفاحة بتعتي و عفرتتها تطلع و تقول بهمة "صحبتي" الي هي أصلا مش فهمه هي بتقول ايه.
وقعت من الكرسي و ملحقتش ألقفها ...ضحكت و هي نايمه، و أتفردت على الأرض ، يعني بلفظ تاني، فرشحة رجلها و حضنت التراب. بتها حبيبها ، أوضه كل واحده فينا ليها ركن فيه و هي فعلا حبت لغاية لما راحت لركنها و حضنت نفسها و نسيت ، لملمتنا معها و عامت في بحر الشوق. انا متأكده دلوقتي انها بتفكر في بابا أصل هو الي كان بيشلها و يرجعها سريرها. تحضن رقبته و هو ماشي بيها يملس على شعرها و يقول الله ، دلوقتي و هو نايم بيعرف مكنها حتى لو في قارة تانية، بيعرف لأن بيجيلو نغزه في قلبه إذا كانت رجعت تحضن رقبته في حلمها، و يعرف أنها مرتاحة.
حبيبتي الحلوة بقت طعمه و لها شكل جديد. حبيبتي الحلوة بكره تكبر و تحضن أحلام تانية ، بس حبيبتي مش راح تنساني، حبيبتي راح تحلم و تضحك بسنانها البيضة و بكره تاخد الكرسي الهزاز تنيم بناتها على حلم بكره.
غصب عني
غصب عني
مش عرفه اعمل ايه ...كل ما أقول يروح و مش مهم الناس ارجع افتكر وجع بطني ، وجع بيجيلي كل ما اشوف منظر الناس الي بتروح، ناس تعبانه ، و حيرانه و على وشها مش بس وجع السنين لكن دليل قاطع أنهم أقل من بقيت الناس، أنهم غلابه بس أنا مش بحب الغلابه و عمري ما كنت غلبانه ، الغلب ده "عيب" ده نقص في البني آدم و أنا مسمحش ...يعني ابني يكون زيهم ليه هو انا يعني قصرت ، مش كفايه متحملاه هو و ابوه...هو يعني لازم الناس تاكل وشي وأنا أمي قالت ليا يا تعيشي مستورة يا تموتي رافعة راسك ...يمكن تطات قبل كده بس بختياري، بقرار واعي و برضه عشان أستر أيامي الي جايا و احمي حته مني مش ممكن أوسخها غير بعرق الحب يعني الي تسيب الحب القديم عشان أمل جديد مش تكون برده بت جدعة و بتدور علستره يامه ..و بعدين .يعني اصل المسئلة هو بس يعني ...و بعدين انا ضحيت كتير جدا عشان يتأل على ابني كده...
ممممم افه....المهم انا دلوأتي عايزه الوقت الي برجع فيه لورا ، ورا لغايت ما انسى مين دول الي انا مربوطة بيهم ربطت ام محمد مرات البواب بدكة العمارة لما الباشا كل يوم يروح "العزبة" عشان يحلق وهي غلبانه أه بقول غلبانه بس غلبها ده مش بأدها ده بأيد النيله جزها. ارجع لايام ما كان شعري يتأعد عليه و هو يشده من تحتي عشان يلمس حته حساسه فيا و يقول عايز شعري يلمس وشه و يشمه و انا طبعا لقانون الأنثه لازم اصدقه. وقتها بس كنت بنسى نصايح أمي الي عمري منستها يمكن مش كنت بنسها على قد ما كنت بتناسها كنت بقول مش لازم هو الي يدفع و لا لازم أركب تاكس ...يعني مالو الأتوبيس أبو ربع جنيه (مهو سعتها كان لسه بربع) و ماله و ماله المهم اللسعة في دهري لما نعد في الميرلاند و يمرر صباع صباع من صوابعي على شافيفه و انا صدري بيعلى و يوطاه زاي الي حلمت و لا طلتش بليلة دخلتها ، بس انا حبيت مش ده كفايه برده . كفايه صح .صح .
عاشان كده هو مش هيبقى زاي الغلابه مش يروح لبتاع المجانين مش هيروح هناك ، علشان انا حبيت و سبت وهو لازم يحس ان انا ابني الي ضحيت بحب عشان يكون عايش العيشه ديه مينفعش يكون السبب في نقطتي مينفعش أن الراجل الي اسمه جوزي يقول لأ و انا أقول أه و لاقي الدنيا كلها بتقول لأ و ميتقلش اني ضحيت و مينفعش اقول علشان انام على ...كانوا بيقولوا عليه أيه زمان ؟؟ أيوه ريش نعام و انا احس أنه شوك سمك صغير و مش باين و انا بس الي أكون عرفه أنه موجود لأنه واقف في زوري أنا وأنا الي بحاول ابلع لقمة العيش الناشف و برده يسن شوكه في ضهري . مش انا برده ضحيت. ضحيت صح. صح.
يبقى دلوقتي نفكر أو يعني أنا أفكر فالوقت بتاع دلوقتي ، الوقت الي بشوف فيه خلفتي ، خلفة أول ما عيني وقعت عليه قلت في نفسي "هو ده" ، هو الي يسندني و يحميني هو الي يلمسني من غير ما يكون عايز حاجة ، و طبعا أول ما طلعتله بزي عرفت الي فيها ، كلهم عيزين حاجة، و بعدين قلت ميهمش يوعوز من غير ما ينهش في لحمي بس لقيته أنأح منهم كلهم ...بياخد و يقول عايز تاني عاوز و عاوز و عاوز . مبيعرفش يدي الي انا محتجاه . يبقى أيه مش حرام بقى. حرام صح . صح .
"الو انا عايزه معاد عند الدكتور، ايوه الولد النظاره تعباه و انت قلت لي لو مش مريحاه يجي للدكتور. شكرا"
سماح بتقول ان الي في مكاني لازم تحمد ربنا يإما يكون طريقها الإنحراف و انا بصراحة رغم اني طهأنه إلا إني مش ممكن أفكر في الإنحراف، يعني مش عشانه هو و ابوه على قد مهو عشان الناس متتكلمش عليا . وأصلا أصلا هي واضح كده أنها بتغير. طول عمر الناس (البنات يعني ) بيغيرو مني...مره وسخه بس هي تيجي و توريني نفسها وأنا بقى أقف أتفرج و شوف هتعرف تعمل أيه ...عيل مرضان و مش ممكن حد يقول إن أنا السبب ...يعني أنا صحيح أتأخرت في الجواز بس أنا برده أعرف ستات خلفه في الأربعين و عيلهم عدلين والواد أصلا ميتألش عليه غير الموكوس الي معرفش طلع خيخه كده لمين يعني صحيح شربت سجاير و انا حامل و برضع بس برده انا عملت الي عليا معاه. و لا التاني النيله (جوزي) الي من بره هلا هلا و من جوه و لا الله يعلم . عملت صح. صح.
ركنت العربية و طلعنا للدكتور و لولا و الله أنه أغلى و أحسن دكتور في البلد لنظر النيله الي مبيشفش مكنتش عتبت العماره الي كلها دكترة و لا موأخذه ناس خيخة.
السؤال الي مرتبط عندي بسخيرة القدر انه ليه اليوم بالذات و انا كلي شكوك العيادة تكون زحمة ، ليه نتطر نروح نعد مع المجانين نروح نعد هناك و انا المكان ده بيقشعرني و بطني بتألب و حاجة "غلب" . لكن الحمد لله أن نظره ضعيف و مش هيشوف الناس الي هناك كويس....بس هو لولا شويت الكلام دول مكنتش انا اتهزت الهزه ديه.
أعد الولد جنب البنت و بصوا لبعض...من غير كلام بس أكيد برضه من غير صمت كل واحد حاسس ببلوة التاني ، كأنهم بيعرفوا بعض، و على كده بقى هو فاهم أنه غلبان زيها بس هي أشجع منه هي مصدرا مرضها للناس ، إنما هو مصدره ليا انا و مصدرلي غسيل الملايات المبلولة. هي بتقول انا مجنونة و مشيه بتهز في رسها يمين و شمال انما هو بعد مغلبني عند الدكتره الطبعيين طلع بل السرير عنده متصدرلي انا . علشان هو ابن كلب مش حاسس بيا ، جبان . جبان صح. صح
بعد ما أعدوا جنب بعض و حرق دمي بأنسجامه مع "المجنونة " بدأ كماااان يلعب معاها.
ليه يحرق دمي كمان و انا هنا غصب يعني ذنبي انا أن الدكتور بتاعوه جنب العيادة "ديه" ، و كمان مبصوت وهو بيلعب معاها، كأن كل الكلام الي أنا بقوله و الي أنا بعمله عشان يصاحب ولاد الأكابر الي مينبش عليهم لا غلب و لا مرض و لا يتهزوا لو حتت مدرسه قالت لهم كلمة في المدرسة، لا والله عيال جدعان يرده أه يرده مش ولاد أكابرو هو يقولي دول عيال وحشين أصلع مشفش الي بحق وحش ...ناقص كمان يقول لها أنه كلب بيبل السرير .
وبعدين مهو بباه لو عرف هيعيرني انا ، يعني حتى لو الناس معرفتش هو هيعرني و يقولي جننتي الواد.
هو ممكن صحيح المعلقة السخنه تجنن حد، ممكن النوم في الضلمه يجنن حد. طب ما انا اتربيت كده، و انا زي الفل و الي يقول غير كده أوريه أنا أجدع من أجدعها ست يمكن أكون مرقعة بس بس لو الترأيعة الي من بره مدأيه حد يشوفوا الي جوه وهما يعرفوا أن أنا بطلة و زاي الفل ...الفل . الفل صح . صصصح؟.
طب يعني لو انا السبب ...طب ...اصل ...بس ....ييييييوبأه ، يعني هو يروح للدكتور يقوله أيه أمي معذباني علشان حبيت ولا طلتش ، عشان هي خلل يمكن بس... أنا ممكن أعيش كده و محدش يعرف عن الي جوايا حاجة أنما ...أنما هو "أبني " يعني بأمانه هو مبيطابش هو مطلع عيني بس ...بس لأنه مش عارف يكون زاي ما أنا شيفه أنه مفروض يكون و أنا أمي ربنا يرحمها بقى مربياني على أن الي الأم تقوله هو الصح سمعت الكلام و ايدني خلل قصدي فل. خلل صح. صح.
طيب أجرب يمكن يقول أني مش أنا السبب و ارتاح و سعتها و ديني أدور فيه الضرب لاغيت لما يبطل يعمل ببي في السرير.
"لو سمحت ممكن ميعاد عند الدكتور، ليا ايوه، لأ مش عشان الولد، طيب ماشي الحد كويس، بس ممكن أجيب الولد معايا و أسيبه بره معاك و ليك الحلاوة . الجلسة ساعة و بكام ؟ ميت جنيه يييا ، طيب ماشي مره واحده مش مشكلة. شكرا ليك."
بصيت على الولد هو بيلعب مع البنت وهي بتهز رسها كأنها حركة طبيعية مش دخيلة عليها كأن الدنيا فعلا مشيه مش وقفه عند الملايت الوسخة وهو فعلا بيضحك فعلا عارف يكون أنسان غير الي انا طول العشر سنين ديه عرفاه ...أنسان غلبان بس...بس ...بيضحك .
"يلا يا كامل عشان معيدك جه، ايوه هنيجي تاني و ممكن "يا حبيبي" تلعب معاها يلا قول باي"
نوارة مجدي عبد الحميد
18 \3\ 2009
مش عرفه اعمل ايه ...كل ما أقول يروح و مش مهم الناس ارجع افتكر وجع بطني ، وجع بيجيلي كل ما اشوف منظر الناس الي بتروح، ناس تعبانه ، و حيرانه و على وشها مش بس وجع السنين لكن دليل قاطع أنهم أقل من بقيت الناس، أنهم غلابه بس أنا مش بحب الغلابه و عمري ما كنت غلبانه ، الغلب ده "عيب" ده نقص في البني آدم و أنا مسمحش ...يعني ابني يكون زيهم ليه هو انا يعني قصرت ، مش كفايه متحملاه هو و ابوه...هو يعني لازم الناس تاكل وشي وأنا أمي قالت ليا يا تعيشي مستورة يا تموتي رافعة راسك ...يمكن تطات قبل كده بس بختياري، بقرار واعي و برضه عشان أستر أيامي الي جايا و احمي حته مني مش ممكن أوسخها غير بعرق الحب يعني الي تسيب الحب القديم عشان أمل جديد مش تكون برده بت جدعة و بتدور علستره يامه ..و بعدين .يعني اصل المسئلة هو بس يعني ...و بعدين انا ضحيت كتير جدا عشان يتأل على ابني كده...
ممممم افه....المهم انا دلوأتي عايزه الوقت الي برجع فيه لورا ، ورا لغايت ما انسى مين دول الي انا مربوطة بيهم ربطت ام محمد مرات البواب بدكة العمارة لما الباشا كل يوم يروح "العزبة" عشان يحلق وهي غلبانه أه بقول غلبانه بس غلبها ده مش بأدها ده بأيد النيله جزها. ارجع لايام ما كان شعري يتأعد عليه و هو يشده من تحتي عشان يلمس حته حساسه فيا و يقول عايز شعري يلمس وشه و يشمه و انا طبعا لقانون الأنثه لازم اصدقه. وقتها بس كنت بنسى نصايح أمي الي عمري منستها يمكن مش كنت بنسها على قد ما كنت بتناسها كنت بقول مش لازم هو الي يدفع و لا لازم أركب تاكس ...يعني مالو الأتوبيس أبو ربع جنيه (مهو سعتها كان لسه بربع) و ماله و ماله المهم اللسعة في دهري لما نعد في الميرلاند و يمرر صباع صباع من صوابعي على شافيفه و انا صدري بيعلى و يوطاه زاي الي حلمت و لا طلتش بليلة دخلتها ، بس انا حبيت مش ده كفايه برده . كفايه صح .صح .
عاشان كده هو مش هيبقى زاي الغلابه مش يروح لبتاع المجانين مش هيروح هناك ، علشان انا حبيت و سبت وهو لازم يحس ان انا ابني الي ضحيت بحب عشان يكون عايش العيشه ديه مينفعش يكون السبب في نقطتي مينفعش أن الراجل الي اسمه جوزي يقول لأ و انا أقول أه و لاقي الدنيا كلها بتقول لأ و ميتقلش اني ضحيت و مينفعش اقول علشان انام على ...كانوا بيقولوا عليه أيه زمان ؟؟ أيوه ريش نعام و انا احس أنه شوك سمك صغير و مش باين و انا بس الي أكون عرفه أنه موجود لأنه واقف في زوري أنا وأنا الي بحاول ابلع لقمة العيش الناشف و برده يسن شوكه في ضهري . مش انا برده ضحيت. ضحيت صح. صح.
يبقى دلوقتي نفكر أو يعني أنا أفكر فالوقت بتاع دلوقتي ، الوقت الي بشوف فيه خلفتي ، خلفة أول ما عيني وقعت عليه قلت في نفسي "هو ده" ، هو الي يسندني و يحميني هو الي يلمسني من غير ما يكون عايز حاجة ، و طبعا أول ما طلعتله بزي عرفت الي فيها ، كلهم عيزين حاجة، و بعدين قلت ميهمش يوعوز من غير ما ينهش في لحمي بس لقيته أنأح منهم كلهم ...بياخد و يقول عايز تاني عاوز و عاوز و عاوز . مبيعرفش يدي الي انا محتجاه . يبقى أيه مش حرام بقى. حرام صح . صح .
"الو انا عايزه معاد عند الدكتور، ايوه الولد النظاره تعباه و انت قلت لي لو مش مريحاه يجي للدكتور. شكرا"
سماح بتقول ان الي في مكاني لازم تحمد ربنا يإما يكون طريقها الإنحراف و انا بصراحة رغم اني طهأنه إلا إني مش ممكن أفكر في الإنحراف، يعني مش عشانه هو و ابوه على قد مهو عشان الناس متتكلمش عليا . وأصلا أصلا هي واضح كده أنها بتغير. طول عمر الناس (البنات يعني ) بيغيرو مني...مره وسخه بس هي تيجي و توريني نفسها وأنا بقى أقف أتفرج و شوف هتعرف تعمل أيه ...عيل مرضان و مش ممكن حد يقول إن أنا السبب ...يعني أنا صحيح أتأخرت في الجواز بس أنا برده أعرف ستات خلفه في الأربعين و عيلهم عدلين والواد أصلا ميتألش عليه غير الموكوس الي معرفش طلع خيخه كده لمين يعني صحيح شربت سجاير و انا حامل و برضع بس برده انا عملت الي عليا معاه. و لا التاني النيله (جوزي) الي من بره هلا هلا و من جوه و لا الله يعلم . عملت صح. صح.
ركنت العربية و طلعنا للدكتور و لولا و الله أنه أغلى و أحسن دكتور في البلد لنظر النيله الي مبيشفش مكنتش عتبت العماره الي كلها دكترة و لا موأخذه ناس خيخة.
السؤال الي مرتبط عندي بسخيرة القدر انه ليه اليوم بالذات و انا كلي شكوك العيادة تكون زحمة ، ليه نتطر نروح نعد مع المجانين نروح نعد هناك و انا المكان ده بيقشعرني و بطني بتألب و حاجة "غلب" . لكن الحمد لله أن نظره ضعيف و مش هيشوف الناس الي هناك كويس....بس هو لولا شويت الكلام دول مكنتش انا اتهزت الهزه ديه.
أعد الولد جنب البنت و بصوا لبعض...من غير كلام بس أكيد برضه من غير صمت كل واحد حاسس ببلوة التاني ، كأنهم بيعرفوا بعض، و على كده بقى هو فاهم أنه غلبان زيها بس هي أشجع منه هي مصدرا مرضها للناس ، إنما هو مصدره ليا انا و مصدرلي غسيل الملايات المبلولة. هي بتقول انا مجنونة و مشيه بتهز في رسها يمين و شمال انما هو بعد مغلبني عند الدكتره الطبعيين طلع بل السرير عنده متصدرلي انا . علشان هو ابن كلب مش حاسس بيا ، جبان . جبان صح. صح
بعد ما أعدوا جنب بعض و حرق دمي بأنسجامه مع "المجنونة " بدأ كماااان يلعب معاها.
ليه يحرق دمي كمان و انا هنا غصب يعني ذنبي انا أن الدكتور بتاعوه جنب العيادة "ديه" ، و كمان مبصوت وهو بيلعب معاها، كأن كل الكلام الي أنا بقوله و الي أنا بعمله عشان يصاحب ولاد الأكابر الي مينبش عليهم لا غلب و لا مرض و لا يتهزوا لو حتت مدرسه قالت لهم كلمة في المدرسة، لا والله عيال جدعان يرده أه يرده مش ولاد أكابرو هو يقولي دول عيال وحشين أصلع مشفش الي بحق وحش ...ناقص كمان يقول لها أنه كلب بيبل السرير .
وبعدين مهو بباه لو عرف هيعيرني انا ، يعني حتى لو الناس معرفتش هو هيعرني و يقولي جننتي الواد.
هو ممكن صحيح المعلقة السخنه تجنن حد، ممكن النوم في الضلمه يجنن حد. طب ما انا اتربيت كده، و انا زي الفل و الي يقول غير كده أوريه أنا أجدع من أجدعها ست يمكن أكون مرقعة بس بس لو الترأيعة الي من بره مدأيه حد يشوفوا الي جوه وهما يعرفوا أن أنا بطلة و زاي الفل ...الفل . الفل صح . صصصح؟.
طب يعني لو انا السبب ...طب ...اصل ...بس ....ييييييوبأه ، يعني هو يروح للدكتور يقوله أيه أمي معذباني علشان حبيت ولا طلتش ، عشان هي خلل يمكن بس... أنا ممكن أعيش كده و محدش يعرف عن الي جوايا حاجة أنما ...أنما هو "أبني " يعني بأمانه هو مبيطابش هو مطلع عيني بس ...بس لأنه مش عارف يكون زاي ما أنا شيفه أنه مفروض يكون و أنا أمي ربنا يرحمها بقى مربياني على أن الي الأم تقوله هو الصح سمعت الكلام و ايدني خلل قصدي فل. خلل صح. صح.
طيب أجرب يمكن يقول أني مش أنا السبب و ارتاح و سعتها و ديني أدور فيه الضرب لاغيت لما يبطل يعمل ببي في السرير.
"لو سمحت ممكن ميعاد عند الدكتور، ليا ايوه، لأ مش عشان الولد، طيب ماشي الحد كويس، بس ممكن أجيب الولد معايا و أسيبه بره معاك و ليك الحلاوة . الجلسة ساعة و بكام ؟ ميت جنيه يييا ، طيب ماشي مره واحده مش مشكلة. شكرا ليك."
بصيت على الولد هو بيلعب مع البنت وهي بتهز رسها كأنها حركة طبيعية مش دخيلة عليها كأن الدنيا فعلا مشيه مش وقفه عند الملايت الوسخة وهو فعلا بيضحك فعلا عارف يكون أنسان غير الي انا طول العشر سنين ديه عرفاه ...أنسان غلبان بس...بس ...بيضحك .
"يلا يا كامل عشان معيدك جه، ايوه هنيجي تاني و ممكن "يا حبيبي" تلعب معاها يلا قول باي"
نوارة مجدي عبد الحميد
18 \3\ 2009
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